'Real Mom'

Oprah today was great. It was about real confessions of Moms. I mean REAL confessions. It has inspired me to write about my 'real confessions'. Bare with me.

1. I think 'who I am' is completely tied up in being a Mom. I truly have no other identity. I never really had any desire to do anything else. There are days where I think 'I would be a good....' but I kind of just brush it off and move onto something else with the kids. As I have gotten older, I have realized two things. #1 I want my daughters and sons for, that matter, to always have many different things that they identify with, that they are good at, and know that they have a talent in. I'm not saying I'm not good at other things, I'm just saying I want more for them. #2 I don't want to have such empty nest syndrome when the babies are all grown up that I completely loose my mind. Therefore, I think a really lofty goal for me is to really work on finding out who I am, besides being a Mom.
2. I am a time Nazi. Weekends are relaxed a little, but the weekdays are completely scheduled. We get up at a certain time, we go to school at a certain time, we eat lunch at a certain time. O' and bedtime, bedtime I am a total freak. We eat a 6:oo, we do chores after that until 6:45 when I put the girls in the tub, a little soaking and playing, they are out and Adam is in. While they are getting dressed, Spencer is finding a book to read for Sara. Then I read to Lily, Spencer reads to Sara, Adam washes all the vital boy parts, then he is out. While Spencer is in the tub washing all of his vital boy parts (and is it me or do boys smell worse?), Adam is reading his homework to me, Lily is brushing her teeth while I brush Sara's teeth. Then Spencer is out of the tub, Adam is brushing his teeth, and by 7:30 Spencer is reading out load to Adam and me while Lily is laying in her bed, playing her leapster. Finally, around 7:45, Spencer brushes his teeth and EVERY CHILD is in bed. Lights out at 8:00. After that time frame I am exhausted. For the most part it runs pretty smoothly, but there are nights where I feel overwhelmed by it all and I flop on the couch for hours trying to recover.
3. I have MAJOR guilt about something. When Lily was born, I was taking care of my Nana, moving into our home, trying to run a daycare, and had two older kids at home. That whole year was such a blur, that I can't remember barely anything about it. I can't remember Lily's firsts at all. When she crawled, when she walked, what she liked and didn't like, I just can't remember any of it. Nothing. It's just a blur. I wish I had one day back when she was a baby, so I could just lay with her, nurse her, smell her, and completely take her in. No one would disturb me. Just Lily and me. To top off all my guilt, because I was a looser techie at the time, I hadn't backed up ANY pictures from the time she was about 4 months old until she was 2. And when my crappy old computer crashed, all my pictures, from that time were gone. I can't even look at the pictures and try to remember what a wonderful little girl she was and how excited I was to have her.
4. After that year I went into a MAJOR depression. Loosing my Grandma was so hard on me. But the toll of taking care of an elderly Grandparent was overwhelming and the absolute hardest thing I have ever done. That was the year Spencer started first grade. I was a horrible mother to him. I remember one morning, sitting at the edge of my bed just bawling because he had gotten himself up and out the door to catch the little Senior Citizen bus that was transporting the school kids at the time, and I had only woken up when he kissed me good bye. I missed school awards, meetings, lunches, all of it, because I was suffocating in my own grief. I constantly feel like Spencer was totally jipped by me frequently during that time. Now, I am scared to death that I am going to miss something. I am present for almost everything the kids are doing in school and will totally ignore everything else to be there for my kids. That period of my life was the deepest, darkest place I have ever been and after being there and surviving that, I never want to be there again. I never again want to feel like my kid(s) took a backseat to their Mom's grieving. That was horrible and life changing on so many different levels.
5. Because of number 3&4 I am a hovering helicopter of a Mom. I never again want them to feel like they take a backseat to anything or anybody. I attend everything there is for me to attend, volunteer when there is an available spot, fuss over how they look, who is picking on them, this list could go on and on. And to totally make this one worse, is that I hate to have them away from me for very long, and I REALLY hate having them stay the night anywhere. I have been working on that one. I think it's because, ultimately, I am scared they are going to get hurt. No one hovers the way I do, therefore, I am so leary of them leaving for more than just a short period of time.
6. On a lighter note. I believe, with all my heart, that I have really great kids. The best kids. All of them have the best personalities and are the smartest children EVER :) I'm sure all that know my kids would agree.
7. This is a big confession. I really want one more baby. Todd is VERY done. How is this subject solved? One of us has to loose. You can't have half a baby. He has legitimate reasons to be done, I just don't feel like our family is complete. We are still young and can decide this in a few years down the road I guess, but it's a tough one that leaves us both frustrated and upset whenever the subject comes up.
8. I really wish I was more creative. I have a friend who totally rocks at the creativity side of parenting. I feel very lacking in this area. I am happy with either letting the kids play with their friends or hang out and watch a movie or play a board game. I'm boring.
9. I love being in my 30's. I was worried about leaving my 20's for some reason. That probably sounds weird, but I think patience has slowly started to seep into me the older I get. Now, by no means am I patient. (Todd would laugh in my face at that statement). Patience is like molasses. It doesn't just immediately seep into whatever it is trying to cover, but eventually it will get there. I am definitely more patient with my kids in my 30's than I ever was in my 20's. The children are saved. Hopefully.
10. I am scared to death of my kids' spouses thinking about me the way I think about my mother-in-law. I have a very poor relationship with her that has seemed to only get colder over the years. I can't stand needy people. Yet, as strongly as I believe in Karma, I think that there will come a day that some evil girl is going to take my baby away from me. And the hovering, freak of a Mom that I am, is worried that she will hate me and not want to be with me. I know I'm not the same person my as my mother-in-law, but still, I have to tell myself ALL THE TIME...KARMA..MELEA...KARMA...BE NICE!


I guess in saying all of this, I love being a Mom. I probably laid out my worst traits and/or feelings, but I love my little family. LOVE them. I can't imagine not being me, going through all of this crap, because it's made me a pretty good Mommy. One of my goals is to make sure that my kids grow up knowing how loved they are by me and how lucky I was to have them.