So Many Things

I am not usually a 'feel sorry for myself' kind of person, but today I am. I feel lonely and down. So many jumbled thoughts. I don't know where to begin. Maybe I'm having a pity party today. I feel like in my short, almost, 32 years of life, I've faced a lot a death. My Mom, my Nana, and recently my Dad and my Ruthie. Along with many friends and extended family members. My thoughts are running crazy with, well, thoughts.

My Mom's was a death I didn't grieve for and actually deal with until I was a Mom. I miss her terribly. I never had her when I went to prom, had my first boyfriend, got married, and most importantly when I had a baby. She isn't there to love on my kids and help out when I'm having a bad day or even to just go have lunch with or call with just an everyday conversation. I'm truly not a jealous person at all, but I do get jealous when I see a mother/daughter that are really close as grown women. I wish I could've known my Mom as a woman. Not just a Mom. She was stressed and/or sick my whole childhood and I wish I could've had a deep relationship with her. I miss her and think about her daily.

My Nana was my everything when I was a child. My safe place, my soft place to fall. She always made my feel special and loved. As I grew up and grew to love and respect her as an adult I realize why my Mom had such a strained relationship with her. She was extremely passive/aggressive and while my Mom put up with it, I tried my hardest not to. The last several years of her life I took care of her. I was the hardest thing I've ever done. I don't remember a lot of my life for about 2 years. I was swamped. I ran a daycare full time, took care of my Nana, had Lily, and moved into a new house, and most of all tried to be a good Mom and wife. Then after making an extremely difficult decision, Todd and I decided to have her come live with us. The last few weeks of her life were spent here with us and all our craziness. She passed away about a month after she moved here. When she died, I felt relieved and horribly lonely. I had 3 kids and a husband, but I felt her loss more than any other loss. In fact, I felt like I lost my mind. I was depressed, I wanted to sleep all the time,I gained like 30lbs. I was bitchy with everyone around me. I really felt like I was having a nervous break down. I made it though it, and am a better person for going through all of that. I still miss her, especially who she was when I was younger. And I try to bring her warmth into my home.

My Dad. His death was a shock. I had just had Sara literally hours before I found out he was sick. He went into the hospital with acute pacreatits, and passed away 8 days later of massive complications. Sara was 8 days old. It was soooooo difficult to just move. I wasn't even prepared for this loss. My Dad was in OK shape, he was chubby and had high blood pressure, but never in a million years did I think he was going to pass away so young. I was hard. I realize how much I loved him and miss hearing his voice. Good and bad things came out of my Dad's passing. My brothers and I are closer than ever but the woman that my Dad was married to turned out to not be a very kind person. So I guess we all live and learn through difficult situations.

My Ruthie was hard. I will miss her terribly. So many hours were spent with her on the phone, almost everyday. I feel a little lost without our daily conversations, her advice and words of encouragement. Plus our many trips to Utah and Starbucks stops. I had so much fun with her. When we would go into a restuant, she would watch my flip-flops because they are usually white and the floors are usually dark and she could tell where we were going. I'm going to miss our adventures and everything she brought in to my life.

Tomorrow will be better, and I will stop feeling sorry for myself. Life is good. Life is to short and we are only allowed pity party days once in a while. Like I said, I'll be better tomorrow, the sun will shine, birds will sing, and I will count my many blessings.