Comfort Through Loosing Someone

This is going to sound weird but death brings an odd peace into my life. My counselor says it's because it's familiar to me, it's what I know. That sucks. I don't want to feel that way. I have gotten to the point that I rarely cry at funerals. I'm not a cold person, I just don't have a lot of emotions when it comes to the funeral part of death. Pat was teasing me tonight and said I probably have the funeral home on speed dial. I can call them and say " Hey Bill, I want package #2 casket #7 and call me after you've talked to the life insurance company." (I know you think you shouldn't be smiling right now, but it's how you get through the day sometimes.) The sad/odd thing about all the deaths that I have experienced is that the funeral director knows me by my first name, which might not be out of the ordinary for someone who has a normal name, but when you have a name like Melea, you end up being called Mrs. Bates a lot. This is the same funeral director that was around when my Mom passed away 20 years ago and he came to get Nana from my house when she passed away a few years ago, and my Uncle a few weeks after that, so I feel like I have a working relationship with him. Too many deaths.

Todd and I are trying to maintain open conversation with our babies. Thursday night we sat down and talked to the kids about Grandpa's passing. Adam is our kid that gets it all out there, he has a massive break down and then dances down the road. Anyway, when Todd asked him if he understood what it meant that Grandpa had passed away, he said "It means we need to take care of Grandma." What a great kid. We had a whole different thought in mind, and this was his thought. Something totally different and yet absolutely real. Spencer tries to remember his last conversations and repeats what he had said or done. Lily looks at pictures and says "Grandpa's Dead!" She also repeats this to everyone she sees.

Adam also figured out the other night, while he was having a conversation with his Uncle Mark, that he doesn't have any Grandpa's left. How sad for him. I never new my Dad's Dad, but I adored my Mom's Dad. So my kids have one Grandparent left and she has never really wanted to be involved in their lives. Hopefully that will change. They need someone besides Todd and I to adore them.

I feel like my kids have experinced a lifetime of death in a matter of a few years. I'm not always sure how to help them or what to say, but I feel like as long as we are together we can make it through anything.